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Thursday, 30 October 2014

Oct 7th - On Overload.

I go to a counselling course that I am deciding if I want to do. It is based on older fashioned ideas that the the past is the root of the problem, and goes there. I want to do present mindfulness. I want to do T-group, I want to be sensitive. We have to talk to another as if in a session. It is still very much introduction time, which is starting to drag, when one is used to T-groups, or Circling, or Contact Improv. It feels quite clunky, like using an old mobile phone. I tell my colleague, who I think it is the most sensitive of them all, that I am homeless and have nowhere to stay as of tomorrow. She instantly, bless her heart, invites me to her house. Phew. I've bridged this lilly pad. Later in the group psychology the two people who I don't consider to be very self aware, go into attack mode, and project like an automatic gun, at something I had shared last week (which two other people afterwards had applauded me for, thank god). I hold up. But reel. There is something I am doing wrong in this culture. I am being too honest. I am used to sensitive authentic communication that is not afraid of not always being super brilliantly positive, but excited to explore other possibilities of new self images of greater clarity. I am used to people knowing what projection is. I am used to people dealing with their own inner conflict more peacefully, wisely, delicately. I am tired of this shit.

Culture shock

Everywhere I go
walls of silence
shroud hurting hearts;
I sing my song 
through them, 
but my alegre
soon turns flat.
In parlour reverence,
I whisper now
soft words
that somehow
twist into thorns;
stunned into silence,
I sit exhausted
and become them.

Three blessings for today

1) A wonderful breakfast with Peter N W Robinson who told me some wonderful words that someone had recently told him
a. You are not god.
b. This is not heaven
c. Try and not be an asshole.
Great advise!!! Realised how much I wish for an idealised world...while actually I should be just accepting this one. Really great to talk to a sensitive friend and be recognised. Thanks Pete.

2) Phoned the meditation center and there is a possibility of doing a work exchange with them at the end of the month...which meant that my accommodation needs for tomorrow (argghhh) weren't quite met. I spoke with a guy who had said I could 'crash' at his, things had changed...feeling the dread of the black void, I went to the counseling course, where we had to draw how we feel. Art school paid off and I managed to express my hopes of all this shattering, shedding and falling away of the old and the pain healing into a personal blossoming and as I did, the person I partnered up with offered for me to stay in her house for two nights. Yeah!!! Thank you so much Edi. Thank you Universe.

3) Sat on the sofa with my nephew he found an excuse to scuttle across and to nonchalantly snuggle together. I love children, it was just what I needed. Thank you Joshua!

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