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Thursday, 30 October 2014

Oct 5th. Becoming alone again.

Dealing with being thrown out of my brother's home. I return, after being away with John, to my parents like flies at the front door. I wonder if they breathe? It's not good. My brother continues to refuse to even look at me. Speaking is out of the question it seems. It makes me feel like I am a devil risen from the depths to reek havoc. I also try not to breathe. It's infectious. Later I am sent an email giving me two days to find somewhere to live. So many friends around the world but here I don't know anyone.I'm on my own. Advanced course on trust.

I see in the other
an angry mirror
and stay breathless still
vulnerable in terror,
childhood trauma
rippling distortion
contorting images
into monsters.
No longer expecting 
childhood demands
to be the fairest of them all
I find the courage
to recognise myself
and from the depths
of my childhood heart
manage to forgive.

3 good things today

1.After tears in the underground as my love left to return to the states, I came out and managed to remember mindfulness and looked to the blue skies and found inner calm knowing that the love between me and John is deep and nourishing even if we never see each other again. Instead of crying I managed to shift myself into gratitude for the delicate and intricate growth we have both helped each other through. 

2. Walking down the street I asked the Universe for signs of how to manage logistics for next weekend's Hakomi course in London. I walked into a restaurant and asked a woman with beautiful eyes, to fill my water container. She was of my tribe. She asked me if I wanted ice and gave me lemon too. I asked her about cheap accommodation and she offered space for me to sleep on her sofa! 

3. I found a wonderful cafe full of artistic creative people and sat outside on a cobbled street in Camden without any sounds from machines...bliss!...I overheard my coffee neighbours talking about a documentary that they are doing and a conversation ensued. I had decided to try and sell three poetry books, and I mentioned my challenge and they bought one! After a rather income stagnant extended period, I feel as if I am entering into the flow of sustainable abundance.

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