Staying alive

So, mission completed. I have a room. I am not really happy to hear traffic at 6am in the morning, and I promised myself I would not stop until I found a place I am happy in...but suddenly the issue is not of the same urgency as yesterday that I find a place to sleep that is not on the streets. I am one step up. 

I’ve realised that by this constant search for a safe place, I am able to avoid all other responsibilities of life. By continually placing myself in positions of having to cover such base needs, I do not have time or energy to place my energy into projects that are of a higher nature that are more than just a safe place to sleep and eat. I am not able to consider what I am here on this planet for.

In Nepal I realised that people were generally as happy as people in the west who had so much more: their own bed to sleep in, electric cookers, and non alcoholic husbands. It seemed as if they were happy to have simply survived yet another day against the wilds of life. Their challenges, though difficult, were achievable most days: food, shelter, raising children. I have reduced myself to this level of living where staying alive each day seems to be my only purpose thankful to not have anyone dependent on me, but reeling in the lonliness. 

Now I have covered myself, for a couple of months. A month of deposit and a month of rent paid. Suddenly I feel empty. I am sat in the vulnerability of an empty mirror. What to do? Who to be?